Entry #11: Exiting the Transactional Universe

Dear Spiritual Journal,

This morning I dreamed, I saw you again, but you did not remember me.

Are we empty shells? Transparent flares of light, flickering, then so quickly extinguished?

What do I do now, what do I really know, now that my mother on this earth has died?

I am too fragile a beast for this world. Each day is a struggle, and reality is relentless.

The non-dual inquiry for a universal truth (vichara) is surely a joke, a confusion, a grand idea delivered with confidence, an outdated solution to the riddle of life, studied by ancients who were themselves deceived.

Were they so much stronger, these heroes, and I am the Zero? The overwhelming duality of modern life appears impossible to defeat.

Mom gave me intellect and moral judgement.

She gave me a place to have fun, with room to fly or fall.

Once I accepted those imprints, they are hard to leave!

I got stuck with this pain and cannot shake it.

There is no shaking it, but I try, and moan, and groan.

Yes, this heart is broken, many times over.

She was a trooper, a ball of energy, ready to go at all times.

She would want us to get on with life, that much I know.

Wipe away those tears, boy,

We're going in; into the eye of the sun.

We're all going in, one way or the other.

Like it or not, I am stuck with love, or whatever this pain is called.

Following the flow of that, the pain in this body; and

Into the sky, where it dissolves.

Peace,

Steve